My Journey in Vulnerability

I wanted to take some time to share what I've been doing for the past six months. Back in November, after visiting my family for a couple days for Thanksgiving, I received a walk-up call when it came to my health. My Mom sat down with me and discussed my weight gain, particularly the fact I was supporting it with bad habits. I have always been a larger individual and will always be, even when I reach goal. But the past couple years, I had gained weight because I was careless with what I ate and I wasn't moving as much. I had gotten HBP readings every single time I went to the doctor and felt really bad about where I was at. The conversation with my Mom was the first monent that I had broken down about that struggle. I had tried so many times to lose and didn't stick to plan. It wasn't really a failure, because deep down, I still had that drive. What happened was that I wasn't learning from my missteps. My Mom looks back on that moment and apologizes, but I tell her it was necessary. There has to be a moment in which something clicks. Often, that moment is filled with immediate regret and shame for past mistakes. Getting past that is tough, but necessary. 

So the last six months have been largely a triumph. Since January, I have lost 70 pounds. For me, it is finally starting to show. Even more than just physically. My energy levels are significantly higher. I feel so much more comfortable in my skin. As many of you know, I finally came out publicly last month after five years of suppressing the queer identity I hold due to body issues. My size was justification for believing that I could never love a man enough. I just pushed that part of me down as far as I could and numbed myself to that possibility. I wish I hadn't but I refuse to dwell on the past. I let the past inform but not control my decisions, behavior, and existence today. 

As I have said before, I will probably struggle with body issues my whole life. I still look in the mirror and part of me sees and still identifies with that individual that was 70 pounds heavier. But I feel like I have the tools to manage those feelings now. I'm able to love myself more, so that self-love conquers self-deprication. I owe a lot of this to not only my parents who have supported me in this journey since January but also to the Weight Watchers meetings. These meetings are so important because the people that attend them are my support team. I go to the same meeting every week, see the same people, and share my journey with them. It's a space in which we all can be vulnerable. And that's the power and secret of the program. It's vulnerability. You can get it almost anywhere in the program, but the meetings, in my opinion, are where that vulnerability shows up more authentically and naturally. Vulnerability catalyzes individuals to take action, to make changes in their personal life, and to reflect on what is most important to them. I derive my success so far from these moments. 

Right now, I'm pretty much halfway to my goal. I have a meeting with my doctor on Friday to discuss my weight loss. I've always been afraid of the doctor because I knew I was living an unhealthy lifestyle. Now, I'm excited to share my progress and consult with my doctor. I'm nervous about these next 70 pounds because it's gonna be more challenging. I'll have to push myself more, potentially cut some favorite things out of my diet, and go places I haven't gone in a while. But with this go around, I'm not afraid. I know that I will jump in and persevere. This is for life. And I have a new lease on it.