Being my authentic self

If you have followed any of my social media over the past four and a half months, you will notice that I have committed to changing my bad habits related to my health and wellbeing. I started Weight Watchers over four months ago and have committed to walking 8000 steps a day for the past month. My diet has significantly changed, yet I can still enjoy delicious things and sweets! In total, I have lost 61 pounds!

Often, good decisions beget other good decisions. As I focus on my wellness, I've been able to gain the courage to open other areas of my wellness. It's been crucial to this process, because much of my struggles that I have publicly hidden relate to insecurity about my body. Despite some of my recent success, I still feel like I hate the way I look. Part of me wants to accept myself the way I look and love myself much more than I do right now. Yet there's the little voice that sticks with me and will probably continue to stick with me even when I hit my goal weight. That's a battle I have to fight and I at least feel like some of my hard work in the past months has at least helped me acknowledge that this exists. 

I have tried to ignore so much about myself because of my body insecurity. Significantly, my journey through Weight Watchers and soul searching that comes with that process has lead me to recognize how much I have repressed any feelings and inclinations towards my sexuality. I've stifled that part of myself so that I didn't have to address it. This behavior I think largely stems from bodily insecurity and believing that my size and bodily shape is not worth loving. That I won't find anyone in this world to love me. 

As I've begun to work on my healthier habits, losing weight, I've forced myself to address my sexuality as a gay man. I believe I've repressed this part of who I am in fear that I wasn't loveable as a larger gay man. In some ways, I have had some difficulty exploring and solidifying this part of my identity purely because of my size. The irony of it all is that I'm fully convinced that despite the weight loss journey and personal fulfillment endeavor I'm on, I'm still gonna be a larger gay man once I hit my goal weight. It's just the way I'm built. 

There are so many folks out there that struggle with being their true selves because of the size of their body. It's not to say that losing weight and becoming skinny is going to fix all of your problems, because let me be clear in saying it won't. The bodily shame and insecurity will still exist after those pounds are shed away. It does for me and will continue to for the rest of my life. Do what you can and are willing to do to be comfortable in your skin. Change the narrative. Embrace your body. Don't let it be a buffer like I did. It's not healthy and it robs us the pleasure of your presence and your contribution to this beautiful world of ours. 

I have to recognize the privilege I hold as a cisgender, white, gay man. Many people don't have that privilege, which is why I'm committed to recognizing it and doing something with it. Working to understand others in my community, their struggles, and what makes them special.